i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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