Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
