saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
