oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
we should paint friendship bongs
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
