i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
