i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
