Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
