Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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