I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
