You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
