she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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