I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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