Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
