Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
