Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
