We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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