Apparently you make a good broom.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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