Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
