Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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