Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
