after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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