I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.