i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....