so that wasnt chicken after all
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
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Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
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Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.