If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
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i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.