walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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