dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
