If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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