i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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