Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
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There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
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my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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