ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
