I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
