yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
