So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
This baby is an asshole
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
