I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
