Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
