I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
