Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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