i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
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But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
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Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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