They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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