This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
