Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
