I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
