i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
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She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
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Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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