If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
