I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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