I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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