just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
