I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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