drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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