It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
