Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"