There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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