I just saw a hot homeless man
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
