Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
