i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
birth control should be required to get into college
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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